Nail MADNESS - Nail Art for the Unartistic

When I was in junior high school, we had a mandatory art class.  Part of that art class was sculpting with clay a little figure that we'd eventually fire in a kiln (under supervision, of course) and paint.  I didn't realize until I moved away from Colorado how much of a hippie liberal arts school district I'd been in; it was only when I was under the oppressive bootheel of Arizona's public schools did I realize what a good thing I'd had.  Because while I was sculpting, I didn't get it.  Not the reason behind making us take the class - I didn't get how to do art.  Now writing, writing I get.  I love shaping words and images in people's minds.  I will debate at length why certain writers put commas in certain places.  I loved writing papers about why certain POVs were useful in creating a moral in a certain story.  But sculpting a little woman was beyond me.  I gave up and just poked some holes in a blob and told my teacher it was an abstract representation of the psyche of the woman in a world that was post-feminist and yet still bound by the patriarchy.  I got an A, which I think was mostly out of pity.

The point I'm trying to make here is that I'm not an 'artist'.  I love nail art, but I still don't ... get it.  Plus, beyond my ineptitude, I still have the whole 'no time for extensive nail work' thing.  One way I've found to make nail art super easy is nail decals.  Now, I'm here to tell you that there's two kinds of decals: the kind that are stickers, and the kind what are made out of nail polish.  DO NOT GET THE STICKERS.  Even if you put a topcoat on, as soon as you wash your hands they'll peel off.  I tried ones by Julep and Kiss both and they both said they'd last for five days minimum, more with a topcoat.  And what happened?  I went to wash my hands after I peed because i'm not a friggin' heathen, and bam.  Off with the nail stickers.  On the other hand, Sally Hansen Salon Effects are made with actual nail polish.  Does this make them harder to put on?  Absolutely.  Does this mean they'll last longer?  Um, yeah.  I put a topcoat on mine after using, and once had a mani last three weeks.  At 8 to 10.00 USD a pop (depending upon where I buy them), I'll take it.  And they're cute, too!

"Spun Up", a limited edition from around Halloween last year.

"Numbskull", a limited edition from around Halloween last year.

I also dig crackle for making it look like I put more effort into my nails than I really did.  It's also good for when you really like a color but just chipped the shit out of it by slamming it into your desk drawer at work while trying to root around for a paperclip and being a klutz.  Not that I'd know anything about that, nope.

This is Julep "Emilie" on my fingers (the green) with Chanel "Midori" on my ring finger (the yellow).  Over that, I've got plain old OPI black crackle.  That's about a week in.  You can see the desk injuries right around the cuticle.

And last but not least is my beloved Konad.  I love nail stamping, and it's honestly not as daunting as some people make it out to be.  Yes, it takes some time to do it and make it look good, but that's not too terrible.  In terms of skill needed, as long as you're partient and can handle repetition, you'll be okay.  There's a million and one tutorials on YouTube to help you get started.  And honestly, if I can do it, I know you can.  And I can do it.

That's Emilie again by Julep with Konad Special polish (plate M57) on top.  See how it came out mostly pretty clean?  You can do it too, I promise.

I can't draw a straight line even with the help of a ruler, but I like to gussy up my nails.  How do you do it?